Lately I have been battling with myself. I have become a person who hates herself when she makes the smallest mistake, like forgetting my phone at home. Terrible words go through my head about me. Things I would never, ever think of another human being. I never thought I could be so hard on myself. And it hurts. It hurts more than when others say mean things to me. It's back and forth, "You're terrible Amanda," "Stop being mean You. You don't belong in my head, saying those things," "But you know you're worthless." It gets even worse. And like I said all of this over something as small as forgetting a few things. And I forget a lot of things, so imagine how terrible it is. I have come to realize that it's very much about control. Controlling myself. It's suffocating.
But at this very moment, right now and 1:02 am on April 30th, 2010, I love myself just the way I am. Absolutely. I love how forgetful I am. I love all of my mistakes. I love the way I am changing and growing everyday, out of girlhood and into this beautiful womanhood. I love that I swear when I get mad. I love that I cry when I am upset. I cry so easily sometimes. And I love it. I love that I want to good grades in school and I love that I do not always get perfect grades. I love that I sometimes I get B's. I will even love myself if I get a C. I love all the great things about me too, like how easily I can be a kid, and how good I am at drawing and being creative and making things. I love how much love I am capable of giving others. I love that I hate feet and squirrels and that I love sweets and dancing in the shower. I love everything!
My beautiful mom lent me a book called "Finding Joy: 101 Ways to Free Your Spirit and Dance with Life" and it says to remember that you have the capacity to feel joy. Right now I am writing this so that I remember that I have the capacity to love myself for all that I am.
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